Stand In Your Truth

I am a truth seeker, I am not going to lie about my life, or what happened in it to look "good" or sound perfect. Because honestly, my life isn't perfect, and I haven't fully trusted god the whole way. I get pissed at him a lot, I didn't even talk to him for 2 months when I found out I was sexually abused. and some days I cried out for him to talk to me and I wished for him to talk to me, and surprisingly he did come to me in a dream. but lately I haven't been as involved with him, I haven't been to church in 3 weeks, I am not understanding anything from the messages ], and that scares me. I want to be close to him again but I'm just not feeling it. when I read the bible I can't even find a good verse to read because it's just a big jumble of stories to me. my relationship with god might not be perfect, but I will never lie about that.

Touch

my love language is touch, all of my family's love languages are the complete opposite of touch so I have pretty much had no human contact. this is super hard for me because now whenever anyone even shakes my hand I get a surge of energy that I crave, I realize that whenever I get a boyfriend I am going to have to be super careful. I have been needing to hug people a lot lately because of this haha, before I moved in with my mom full time, one of the "good" things about my dad was that he also had touched as his love language so I got hugs from him and honestly that was enough for me. honestly, in this blog I am going to write about what I feel and think, and I have just been thinking about this lately I guess haha.

Unprotected

I think it is bullshit when someone who says they will protect you doesn't. my dad was supposed to protect me from everything, but he couldn't even protect me from himself, or other people. there is a major distinction between a father and a dad. like I have said before a father is supposed to protect, love, and care about you, to me "dad" is a word for a man who lied and hurt me for 13 years of my life. I think I am in a grieving process over the fact that I will never have the feeling of having a real dad who will love me unconditionally. it hurts my heart, my dad is a dick and him isn't capable of ever giving that to me. he left me alone to be sexually abused by his best friend. he left me unprotected and broken and he treated me like trash my whole life. I have forgiven him, but I will never be able to forget.

Manipulation

Something that surprises me is how manipulative my dad can be. he can make you hate him then love him. it is truly awful and mind altering. because of this I now have major trust issues. even after I moved out of his house he still had control over me. recently I told him I won't be speaking to him for a year, it was very empowering and I feel so much better now. he no longer has a hold on me and he cant hurt me anymore, I recently found out that he went on a retreat with one of my leaders from church. he made that guy love him, he knows what my dad did to us but somehow he still manipulated him into loving him. It is awfully sad but also truly amazing because if he was being honest he could be a great father. father is a word for someone who takes care of you and loves you unconditionally, and who will protect you. none of those words even relate to my dad. recently I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will never have that on this earth. but god will always be that for me.

Broken People

This morning I got to sleep in till 8:05 and that is a miracle. My school starts at 7:30, i have to wake up at 6 every morning, but when I got to school I missed my favorite class, social studies, I get to learn so much about the great depression and how crappy the world is and that gives me great ideas on how I can help in the future. I don't know what country or place this is because my stepdad told me about it, but apparently, there is a factory there that little kids work at and they get so depressed that they try to kill themselves! so the guards have to put mattresses down so the children can't jump out of the window and kill themselves, I almost started crying because that story broke my heart. it is amazing how selfish people are now that they will steal a kids childhood! how did we let this happen? why has the world come to this? I really wish I could help them from here and try to stop it, but sadly I can't. Maybe some day I can figure something out.

First

This is my first blog post! welcome guys!!! I am super excited to start blogging.  lots of love <3