Who?

Someone is pounding on my heart

Trying to break free

They feel the walls caving in, crushing their bones

When they used to have room to dance and be free

They thirst for love yet can't reach the well

When they used to be quenched and covered in love

They are holding the key to their own prison cell

When people used to come in and out

The inside is rotten and moldy

When it used to be clean and beautiful

The person inside scream for help

Yet the sound falls on deaf ears

Who are they?

-MJ

Heartache

Heartache isn't always about someone rejecting you, sometimes it's you missing god, or you feeling depressed inside. I absolutely hate when people act like depression is just sadness, depression hurts your heart to the extent of wanting to die because death seems to be so much easier than to fight the pain of your heart. but what people don't understand is that when you read the bible, or you just jump straight into god that heartache stops hurting so badly. today my heart hurt like hell, I wanted to just go to sleep and wake up happy again, but that isn't always possible. but this time I didn't want to die because I know what is on the other side of this pain. I never thought I would be the one to hurt someone's feeling and today that happened and I didn't even KNOW I did it. I was so ashamed of myself because I never in my wildest dreams knew I was capable of that, this is a huge learning curve for me, I have to be careful with my words because I grew up with a certain type of humor that my dad used to put people down and I see that happening in me on accident. its so hard to control sometimes but I have to.


Lots of Love,
Mak

Memories

Memories can be really painful sometimes, like when you screw up a friendship, or someone leaves you. but there are also good memories, like the day god decided to talk to me, or the day i met my best friend. regardless, god gave us the power to remember and to feel. if we take everything that happens to us as a negative thing we are misusing the gift that god gave us. everyday i try to make it last and i try to love on people and make good memories, there will ALWAYS be those bad ones that stab me in the heart, but i am trying to make less of those terrible memories and more of those amazing ones. sorry this bog was short

Lots of Love,
Mak

Shame

Shame is something we all feel, today I have been feeling it A LOT. last year at California I had a lot of panic attacks and stress, and recently my sister has been bringing it up a lot and that is so hard to hear. I feel so much shame and awfulness, this year has been a year of restructuring for me and all of the sudden I feel like crawling into bed and avoiding people. at the moment I don't fully understand gods plan for me, but writing this blog and letting God work through my hands and mouth is so special and amazing. in this post, though I don't feel him in this post, in my last one he wrote through me. I am going to try to post every day and I hope more people read my blog because I want to help people and share my stories.



Lots of Love,
Mak

Change

Change happens everywhere, we see it everywhere, but what we don't see is change happening in our own hearts yet that is where change happens the most. I recently went to California and let me tell you, my heart changed A LOT. I talked about things in my heart I didn't even know I was feeling, like how badly I miss my dad, and how I have been holding in feelings about my sexual abuse. god works in so many amazing ways, right when you think he is done working on you, he tears down your walls and rebuilds them even stronger than ever. he did that for me this week, they aren't even close to being built back up but I get to work with God on that. there was one day where he wasn't there at all and I felt so distant and hurt, but he came back and I told him all about my experience without him. god is so amazing cause sometimes you can just talk to him and even if he doesn't talk back you know he is always there.


Lots of Love,
Mak

Acceptance

being accepted is something that drives us as humans when you enter into a place that accepts you it is so joyful and loving and amazing, I have finally experienced that in my life. And to be honestly it is wonderful. but it is only wonderful because god led me there (and my best friend, but god led me to her sooo) this church is so welcoming and they never look down on me. god has brought me there so I can feel that and is letting me know his love and showing it to me through the community. I just wish I could give god a hug and thank him. thank him for giving me my best friend, thank him for showing me this new life and this future that I can now see. I look back at the fact that 2 years ago I was up one night thinking about slitting my wrists, but today I am happier than ever and I can finally see a future for myself, never give up on yourself. the darkness is really good at showing us evil and making us believe it, but we need to push through that and see the love that god gives us, Jesus died so that he could know us.

God

Some thing i have noticed in life is that it is if you dont trust and ask god about everything then nothing is worth it. i noticed that i haven't been asking god about the people i am struggling with, or even having a crush on and i was truly stressing about it (i know its a stupid thing to stress about) but last night i had a break down and i just told god i am so sorry for not talking to him about it. i felt so dumb when the answer was there the whole time and all i needed to do was talk to god, and god turns all that confusion and melts it away. whenever i feel this aching pain in my chest i just ask god to take it away and i feel so free, like right now when i am writing about him my heart is free and full of love. it is a feeling that i will never take for granit, god is my savior and he shows me the love that every little girl deserves from her earthy father. even if no one reads this i will know that he has changed me, it would be amazing if someone did read this, but they probably wont.