Heartache

Heartache isn't always about someone rejecting you, sometimes it's you missing god, or you feeling depressed inside. I absolutely hate when people act like depression is just sadness, depression hurts your heart to the extent of wanting to die because death seems to be so much easier than to fight the pain of your heart. but what people don't understand is that when you read the bible, or you just jump straight into god that heartache stops hurting so badly. today my heart hurt like hell, I wanted to just go to sleep and wake up happy again, but that isn't always possible. but this time I didn't want to die because I know what is on the other side of this pain. I never thought I would be the one to hurt someone's feeling and today that happened and I didn't even KNOW I did it. I was so ashamed of myself because I never in my wildest dreams knew I was capable of that, this is a huge learning curve for me, I have to be careful with my words because I grew up with a certain type of humor that my dad used to put people down and I see that happening in me on accident. its so hard to control sometimes but I have to.


Lots of Love,
Mak

Memories

Memories can be really painful sometimes, like when you screw up a friendship, or someone leaves you. but there are also good memories, like the day god decided to talk to me, or the day i met my best friend. regardless, god gave us the power to remember and to feel. if we take everything that happens to us as a negative thing we are misusing the gift that god gave us. everyday i try to make it last and i try to love on people and make good memories, there will ALWAYS be those bad ones that stab me in the heart, but i am trying to make less of those terrible memories and more of those amazing ones. sorry this bog was short

Lots of Love,
Mak

Shame

Shame is something we all feel, today I have been feeling it A LOT. last year at California I had a lot of panic attacks and stress, and recently my sister has been bringing it up a lot and that is so hard to hear. I feel so much shame and awfulness, this year has been a year of restructuring for me and all of the sudden I feel like crawling into bed and avoiding people. at the moment I don't fully understand gods plan for me, but writing this blog and letting God work through my hands and mouth is so special and amazing. in this post, though I don't feel him in this post, in my last one he wrote through me. I am going to try to post every day and I hope more people read my blog because I want to help people and share my stories.



Lots of Love,
Mak

Change

Change happens everywhere, we see it everywhere, but what we don't see is change happening in our own hearts yet that is where change happens the most. I recently went to California and let me tell you, my heart changed A LOT. I talked about things in my heart I didn't even know I was feeling, like how badly I miss my dad, and how I have been holding in feelings about my sexual abuse. god works in so many amazing ways, right when you think he is done working on you, he tears down your walls and rebuilds them even stronger than ever. he did that for me this week, they aren't even close to being built back up but I get to work with God on that. there was one day where he wasn't there at all and I felt so distant and hurt, but he came back and I told him all about my experience without him. god is so amazing cause sometimes you can just talk to him and even if he doesn't talk back you know he is always there.


Lots of Love,
Mak

Acceptance

being accepted is something that drives us as humans when you enter into a place that accepts you it is so joyful and loving and amazing, I have finally experienced that in my life. And to be honestly it is wonderful. but it is only wonderful because god led me there (and my best friend, but god led me to her sooo) this church is so welcoming and they never look down on me. god has brought me there so I can feel that and is letting me know his love and showing it to me through the community. I just wish I could give god a hug and thank him. thank him for giving me my best friend, thank him for showing me this new life and this future that I can now see. I look back at the fact that 2 years ago I was up one night thinking about slitting my wrists, but today I am happier than ever and I can finally see a future for myself, never give up on yourself. the darkness is really good at showing us evil and making us believe it, but we need to push through that and see the love that god gives us, Jesus died so that he could know us.

God

Some thing i have noticed in life is that it is if you dont trust and ask god about everything then nothing is worth it. i noticed that i haven't been asking god about the people i am struggling with, or even having a crush on and i was truly stressing about it (i know its a stupid thing to stress about) but last night i had a break down and i just told god i am so sorry for not talking to him about it. i felt so dumb when the answer was there the whole time and all i needed to do was talk to god, and god turns all that confusion and melts it away. whenever i feel this aching pain in my chest i just ask god to take it away and i feel so free, like right now when i am writing about him my heart is free and full of love. it is a feeling that i will never take for granit, god is my savior and he shows me the love that every little girl deserves from her earthy father. even if no one reads this i will know that he has changed me, it would be amazing if someone did read this, but they probably wont.

Gone

I haven't posted in a while because I have just needed to retrace my steps in life and redefine my priorities, but I will try to post more I promise!

Depression

depression is the kind of thing that can sneak up on you and then hit you with a brick after being behind a wall for months. that is what happened to me recently. I haven't been able to get out of bed without a fight in my head for weeks. I also haven't been to church in over month, I just can't seem to find a reason to go. I also sprained my back and I can't do anything and it is so frustrating!!!! I feel like everyone is mad at me and I can't do anything right and I am being sucked into exhaustion and pain and hurt and brokenness and I can't crawl out. plus my back injury could have been caused by the man who sexually abused me, I don't know how to handle this. and everyone I talk to think I am fine because I am taking medication for my depression and anxiety, but the medication doesn't always help. I am afraid of where the depression takes my mind and the thoughts that I think, I have been distracting myself or at least trying to. this whole situation is bullshit.

Stand In Your Truth

I am a truth seeker, I am not going to lie about my life, or what happened in it to look "good" or sound perfect. Because honestly, my life isn't perfect, and I haven't fully trusted god the whole way. I get pissed at him a lot, I didn't even talk to him for 2 months when I found out I was sexually abused. and some days I cried out for him to talk to me and I wished for him to talk to me, and surprisingly he did come to me in a dream. but lately I haven't been as involved with him, I haven't been to church in 3 weeks, I am not understanding anything from the messages ], and that scares me. I want to be close to him again but I'm just not feeling it. when I read the bible I can't even find a good verse to read because it's just a big jumble of stories to me. my relationship with god might not be perfect, but I will never lie about that.

Touch

my love language is touch, all of my family's love languages are the complete opposite of touch so I have pretty much had no human contact. this is super hard for me because now whenever anyone even shakes my hand I get a surge of energy that I crave, I realize that whenever I get a boyfriend I am going to have to be super careful. I have been needing to hug people a lot lately because of this haha, before I moved in with my mom full time, one of the "good" things about my dad was that he also had touched as his love language so I got hugs from him and honestly that was enough for me. honestly, in this blog I am going to write about what I feel and think, and I have just been thinking about this lately I guess haha.

Unprotected

I think it is bullshit when someone who says they will protect you doesn't. my dad was supposed to protect me from everything, but he couldn't even protect me from himself, or other people. there is a major distinction between a father and a dad. like I have said before a father is supposed to protect, love, and care about you, to me "dad" is a word for a man who lied and hurt me for 13 years of my life. I think I am in a grieving process over the fact that I will never have the feeling of having a real dad who will love me unconditionally. it hurts my heart, my dad is a dick and him isn't capable of ever giving that to me. he left me alone to be sexually abused by his best friend. he left me unprotected and broken and he treated me like trash my whole life. I have forgiven him, but I will never be able to forget.

Manipulation

Something that surprises me is how manipulative my dad can be. he can make you hate him then love him. it is truly awful and mind altering. because of this I now have major trust issues. even after I moved out of his house he still had control over me. recently I told him I won't be speaking to him for a year, it was very empowering and I feel so much better now. he no longer has a hold on me and he cant hurt me anymore, I recently found out that he went on a retreat with one of my leaders from church. he made that guy love him, he knows what my dad did to us but somehow he still manipulated him into loving him. It is awfully sad but also truly amazing because if he was being honest he could be a great father. father is a word for someone who takes care of you and loves you unconditionally, and who will protect you. none of those words even relate to my dad. recently I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will never have that on this earth. but god will always be that for me.

Broken People

This morning I got to sleep in till 8:05 and that is a miracle. My school starts at 7:30, i have to wake up at 6 every morning, but when I got to school I missed my favorite class, social studies, I get to learn so much about the great depression and how crappy the world is and that gives me great ideas on how I can help in the future. I don't know what country or place this is because my stepdad told me about it, but apparently, there is a factory there that little kids work at and they get so depressed that they try to kill themselves! so the guards have to put mattresses down so the children can't jump out of the window and kill themselves, I almost started crying because that story broke my heart. it is amazing how selfish people are now that they will steal a kids childhood! how did we let this happen? why has the world come to this? I really wish I could help them from here and try to stop it, but sadly I can't. Maybe some day I can figure something out.

First

This is my first blog post! welcome guys!!! I am super excited to start blogging.  lots of love <3